Now Voyager!

Transitions, change, can produce so many results; they can be slight, they can be tragic or even uplifting; good or bad, they can be life transforming. Sometimes they show up as an earthquake, blowing apart all the elements of your life, the routine that has sustained and nurtured you. There are times that, in shock, you’ll realize transition has occurred only when looking back, recognizing how much has changed, perhaps how much you’ve changed, over some period of time.

But, when you’re in the midst of trying to navigate an unexpected change, wanting to slow a shift that shakes you to the core and your sense of how you fit in the world, your attempt at control can stop the process from happening.

Whatever the change, it’s having a real impact on you. You’re worried and not able to make your usual easy decisions. You agonize over recent choices, doubting their good sense. You delay making plans, unsure of their impact, yea or nay.

Navigating a life-shaking transition in mid- or senior life can be challenging. More than challenging, it can completely change the course and priorities of your life. In fact, by the time adults reach age 60, 60% of them will have experienced a major life change whether it’s divorce, the death of a loved one, illness, loss of a career or even relocation. And, remarkably, studies have shown that nearly half of people who endure these difficulties struggle, truly struggle, to move beyond these transitions.

Studies have shown that nearly half of people who endure these difficulties struggle, truly struggle, to move beyond these transitions.

The result can be enormous, obliterating what might have been a well-planned future. Emotions like grief, anger, sadness, questioning one’s self-worth or purpose, may change your connection to a supportive family or social community, creating financial strain even affecting your health. All of this can occur because events, whether expected or not, have completely redefined your sense of identity or perhaps your ability to manage simple, daily tasks.

Like you, I’ve navigated a number of changes through my life. Yet, the landslide that knocked me down in 2022 was the most difficult, and it resulted in a process of change that began with determination, passed on to shock, loss of direction, fear, depression, withdrawal. Yet it was the exhaustion, the realization that I was not managing well and probably wouldn’t, that ultimately prodded me to make a series of changes, not planned; just seeming right. These led me to a completely different state of being. One where I find myself now knowing that I’m enjoying the first year of what will be my best decade so far.

For me, it began with a growing dread: my husband with whom I’d lived for 25 years was ignoring the need to address his coming retirement. I realized he viewed our future very differently than I did. I began to realize that the most important thing I had to do was take care of myself; I no longer had a partner, something I’d assumed for a quarter century. I had to be completely responsible for the direction of my life and so in the Fall of ‘22 I requested, demanded, that we divorce. Shortly after we began the process, in a collaborative way, when he had made plans to move to California to be with his son and daughter-in-law, he fell down a flight of stairs. He ended up the next day with spinal surgery and then in a rehab facility. It became evident that because he had already been in physical decline before this happened, that he was simply not responding to physical or occupational therapy and this was going to be a long term, if not lifelong, situation.

That was devastating in itself. However, it became clear that because his son was in California and his brother in Oregon, it fell to me, the divorcing wife who wanted to be apart from this man, to begin the role of part-time caregiver. I found myself visiting him three times a week, doing his laundry, bringing whatever he requested, from cookies and pretzels to toothpicks and dental floss, occasionally helping him eat, listening to his very tearful apologies for how he had deserted our marriage and watching him decline, both physically and mentally.

For eight months I did this while, simultaneously, I had a personal responsibility to ramp up efforts in my business as I now had to provide that portion of the household contribution he used to provide.

So, here I was working much harder than I had and visiting him some distance away in a declining, frightening state. It left me feeling guilty and saddened while I heard him cry and consider suicide.

This was hardly what I had imagined when I anticipated being a single woman after divorce. Throughout eight months I neglected things I’d always enjoyed. I didn’t go out, didn’t socialize, was exhausted all the time. I feared for my own future and continued to worry and feel responsible for him despite the fact that when we had been married, I did not feel it was reciprocated, either on my behalf or on behalf of our marriage. It was a pretty crappy time for a long time.

But I got out of it.

It took about seven or eight months before I realized I was now feeling very good about things; I was feeling positive, actually happy. I was socializing, I was learning, and I was moving ahead in what I came to believe is the beginning of the best time of my life. And I largely did it by realizing I have to take complete control, I had to recognize my priorities and honor them and guide myself towards a future that would be pleasing, beneficial and without a continued sense of sizable responsibility towards my past.

And I largely did it by realizing I have to take complete control, I had to recognize my priorities and honor them and guide myself towards a future that would be pleasing.

So, how did this happen?

It started by asking myself the same thing I put to all my new coaching clients: What is it you believe that, if it turned out not to be true, would change your life? What have you held onto as a core belief that may no longer serve you? What anchor is holding you in place when, if you dropped it, would propel you forward into a much better, healthier future?

What is it you believe that, if it turned out not to be true, would change your life? What have you held onto as a core belief that may no longer serve you?

This is the starting place and it’s not an easy one; it isn’t easy to call into question those mental shortcuts you take that allow you to speed through decisions or habitual behavior. It’s the place that one of my mentors, Nancy Matthews, often calls the folk tale factory. It’s that trick of our brains and emotions that will make up stories about what is, what we deserve, what is unchangeable, that in fact prevents us from moving into a fuller, expressive and happy life.

My preferred question now is ‘what if?” or “why not?”. It’s questions like these that are at the starting point of any significant change, any ability to truly control where you go next, who is a part of your life, what is the content of that life and in fact, what is its purpose every day.

Questions, the internal process of shaking things up, can be powerful especially if you have others around you asking the same questions opening up the possibilities that you may have neglected for some time. It’s why I so enjoy intimate retreats, getaways with a few colleagues, friends, or seekers. Taking myself out of the daily routine into focused time with people who are traveling a similar journey and want to support you throughout your own.

I have 7 steps that I took, and it’s this combination of personal and shared seeking that has been especially powerful and successful for me.

1. Support Network

• Family and Friends: Lean on loved ones for emotional support, practical advice, and companionship.
• Support Groups: Join groups or communities of individuals going through similar transitions to share experiences and gain insights.

The first thing I did was seek out a support network in my case it was family and friends with which I am blessed. I could lean on loved ones for support advice and just companionship when I was lonely. And while I didn’t avail myself of this there are certainly professional support groups, communities of people going through similar transitions to share experience and to gain insights that on your own you might not find. Again another reason why I so much love a focused retreat that delivers support while it helps you find the right answers

The way I called on this resource was to get together with a friend, different ones, every week; people with whom I share good conversation.

2. Professional Guidance

• Therapists/Counselors: Seek professional help to process emotions, develop coping strategies, and gain clarity.
• Life Coaches: Work with a coach to set goals, create action plans, and stay motivated.
• Financial Advisors: Consult with a financial advisor to manage any financial changes or uncertainties.

Then of course there is professional guidance; therapists, coaches, financial advisors, job coaches; those professionals whose role is to help guide you through whatever particular issue or change is confronting you without an apparent answer, whether you want to process emotions, develop coping strategies, gain clarity, create action plans, stay motivated.

For myself, as a coach of 25 years, I have built great relationships with a handful of other coaches, my colleagues with whom I meet at least once a month. I find whether we’re talking about best practices or problematic clients there was always an opportunity for personal support and validation and that became even more meaningful for me at this time.

In my work, I have always found the personal guides business choices. I have found that when the reverse is done, that one allows business needs to guide one’s personal life, there’s a sense of compromise and perhaps disappointment that diminishes any sense of success that the business may bring.

I have always found the personal guides business choices.

3. Educational and Personal Development Resources

• Books and Articles: Read about others’ experiences and expert advice on navigating life transitions.
• Workshops and Seminars: Attend events focused on personal growth, career development, or specific areas of interest.
• Online Courses: Enroll in courses that can help you gain new skills or explore new passions.

The third tip is one that I availed myself of and that is educational or personal development resources. I chose to enroll in Stony Brook University’s Osher Lifelong Learning Institute. For me, it was a great choice. I love being on a college campus and Stony Brook is very conveniently located. I exposed myself to a number of courses that I knew absolutely nothing about: energy chakras or understanding the development of human consciousness from the point of view of 2001 Space Odyssey or taking a class in natural healing, again, a topic I have not really exposed myself to and this opened me up to new ways of thinking, a recognition of what really pleased me that I wanted to expand upon and which gave me new positive directions to pursue while I was starting to work through the changes I needed to make.

4. Health and Wellness Practices

• Exercise: Maintain a regular physical activity routine to boost your mood, energy, and overall well-being.
• Nutrition: Eat a balanced diet to support your physical and mental health.
• Self-Care: Prioritize activities that nurture your body, mind, and spirit, such as massages, hobbies, or simply relaxing.

The fourth step in the process was to look at my own health. Over the last 10 years of my marriage, I had gained 50 lbs. And in the last year and a half I’ve lost 35. It really wasn’t that hard. I figured out that all I had to do was eat less and move more; pretty simple but, of course, there was more to it than that. It was also about the choices of what I took in and how I moved more. I discovered I like dancing to Michael Jackson, I discovered I love walking through my beautiful neighborhood with great music in my ears and it just made things easier; it made things work for me so whether it’s exercise or nutrition or better self-care, these things put you in an easier frame of mind to work through that which is distressing or unknown

5. Spiritual and Emotional Resources

• Faith and Spirituality: If applicable, draw on your faith or spiritual practices for comfort and guidance.
• Positive Affirmations: Use affirmations to reinforce positive thoughts and build confidence.
• Gratitude Practices: Cultivate gratitude by acknowledging and appreciating the positive aspects of your life.

The 5th step I incorporated was one of spiritual and emotional resources. Now, I am not a spiritual being; I’m a very analytical person but I started to spend more time in a position of gratitude. I started writing in a journal and found these small steps, especially when done early morning or late evening, to act as bookends to the course of a day. They were powerful supports for me and gave me greater insight into what I might have been thinking but not vocalizing; realizing how those thoughts were affecting or guiding me and how I might want to bring other thoughts to support me in a better way. So whether it’s faith and spirituality or positive affirmations or gratitude practices which I leaned on a lot, these are practices that need no tools except your willingness to pursue them and use them.

Practices that need no tools except your willingness to pursue them and use them.

6. Creative Outlets

• Art and Creativity: Engage in creative activities like painting, writing, or music to express emotions and explore new aspects of yourself.
• Hobbies: Rediscover old hobbies or explore new ones to bring joy and fulfillment.

The 6th step, and this one was especially meaningful for me, is to incorporate a creative outlet. You may know that in addition to business coaching and marketing, for the last eight years I developed into a quite a bead artist, showing my work at fine art shows and even generating an award which was very pleasing. However, I completely abandoned my art throughout 2023. I found towards the end of that year, as I moved into a desire for a more positive future, I became very creative again. I started to incorporate time for beadwork and being part of a community of other beaders is inspiring for me; it lifted my spirits and allowed me to occupy a different side of my brain that was creative and inquisitive.

So, whether it’s engaging in creative activities like writing, painting, music or it’s appreciating how others do it, listening to music, attending art fairs, going to museums, book readings, recitals, or poetry readings; having creative outlets doesn’t  mean you have to pick up a brush or a pen, it just means you put yourself in an environment where this is taking place and you’re exposed to other people’s ways of expressing themselves. It isn’t just healing, it’s mind growing.

It isn’t just healing, it’s mind growing.

7. Community Involvement

• Volunteer Work: Get involved in volunteer activities to give back and find purpose.
• Social Activities: Participate in social events and activities to build new connections and stay engaged.

The 7^th step I used was community involvement. I joined a weekly discussion group on topical matters. It was sociable, easy and pulled me away from my own upset. It filled me with something new and pleasing as well as a new group of people.

With my engagement of these several new elements, I found I was able to be more patient with myself, to give myself permission to feel whatever I wanted to feel, to focus on my own needs and to be more compassionate with myself. This allowed me to acknowledge how much I was contending with that I had not anticipated, and which was largely painful.

Patience and self-compassion opened me up to more internal paths of reflection, mindfulness, even meditation which I knew nothing about. Earlier this summer I took an 8-session class on energy chakras and meditation which was a completely new experience for me and one I will extend with a second class.

Patience and self-compassion opened me up to more internal paths.

I was more engaged with my companions and more focused on other people’s concerns, not just my own. I found it easier to celebrate progress, rewarding myself, being kind, letting myself take time off from work, whether it was to enjoy my garden, sit by the pool, be more creative or expand my social life and pleasures.

By calling upon these assets, you can create, as I did, a solid foundation to navigate your life transition with greater ease and clarity.

And with them, which ever you choose to call upon, comes an easier connection to your own internal compass, your own navigation guide driven by your values, skills, priorities, resources.

By this past Spring, 10 months after I tentatively and then enthusiastically moved beyond a series of tragic and life altering circumstances, it happened for me; I realized that I had created a more positive environment for myself, a greater sense of pride that I was moving through a huge life change. It became easier to call upon my internal guide, perhaps realizing its direction was changing and I needed greater clarity about how to make that happen. My activities changed from external actions of the 7 steps I’ve shared to a more internal exploration, a process that is a healthy one for continued growth and happiness.

Will you follow my path to come through and beyond the upset that may be assaulting you now? Do you have your own? Whatever may have worked for you in the past, whatever you discover is working for others whose opinions you value, try it! Reach beyond the inner turmoil; you are strong and you are needed in the larger community of your life, both to give and receive.

“The untold want by life and land ne’er granted. Now voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find!” Walt Whitman